Have you ever had the fear of not accomplishing anything in life? That fear of mine manifested in a. Dream I had around 19 years old. I dreamt. I was at. My. Ten. Year. High school reunion and couldn’t remember ANYTHING I had done in the last ten years. It freaked me out. That nightmare haunted me for YEARS.
I think I’ve always had two dreams going on in my head: I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to make a difference to people somehow. Both dreams always seemed like things people would scoff at, so I rarely admitted it to anyone.
Throughout high school, college and into my adulthood, there were only a few people who I felt confident enough to admit I wanted to be an author. An author who lives fully off of that as a salary. Everyone told me that it was so difficult that I believed it might never happen. I worked hard at every job I had, always ambitious to move up in each position, but secretly I dreamed of becoming a celebrated author.
Since I didn’t believe that I was really going to become a famous writer, though I held on to that dream with silent desperation in my heart, but I allowed my low confidence to move me towards ‘a real job’. When I moved to Spain with my new husband I chose the route of translation, declaring to everyone that I wanted to eventually open up my own translation company and translate books. But every time I said that out loud I knew that I was lying.
Getting pregnant and fired was a great step forward ….in some ways. During those eight months in which my husband worked long hours and I was friendless in a foreign city, I managed to translate a few things but most of all to write a book. But then I then tried to sell the book, and no one wanted it. Instead of a manila envelope containing a contract, I received form letter after form letter rejecting my book based off of my query.
A baby being soon born afterwards placed that book on the shelf. Motherhood invaded my life with force. The only thing I could really write was a blog. There were many, many days that I felt like I had nothing to say, though I think now that I just didn’t have the right push.
At times I would write something fun and brilliant about living abroad as a mother, but really I saw myself as nothing special and with not a whole lot to give. Though I poured as much as I could without spending money into my blog, I rarely got hits and felt like I was wasting my time. My husband was offered a job in France, which came with a great package that would allow me to continue to stay home. Although I struggled with not bring any money to the household, our oldest child was showing signs of not being able to survive daycare very well. To the point that we were concerned with taking her there. And we enjoyed the fact that they were at home. With my husband’s long hours, it was nice to know that our babies were home with me. My husband soothed my fears a bit about not having a career, but the idea of wanting more never really went away.
While living in France I knew I couldn’t pass the language test in order to get a job outside of the house. I also knew, deep down, that being an office manager or executive assistant would only fulfill me for a season. I wanted to move towards what I was called to do. Writing, helping, something.
The first thing I worked on was mindset and habits. And it took a long time to figure those out on my own. This was back in 2011 and 2012 and while the internet was there, it was still difficult to find resources, but I finally found Michael Hyatt and John Maxwell and Terri Savelle Foy. I set to creating better habits and a better mindset.
For years I felt like I was failing miserably, not really understanding that I was changing myself one degree at a time. But as my husband’s job grew more demanding, I felt more and more like I was sliding into obscurity. Because of that I found myself becoming bitter and angry. I wanted to blame my husband for the fact that I was unable to get anything done and wasn’t a writer yet, but it wasn’t really his fault. It was mine.
Though my habits weren’t always what I wanted them to be, by 2012 I was determined to write. I started by trying to rewrite an old novel. Then I started two other novels and found little success with finishing them. In the summer of 2013 with my husband working extremely long hours and my third baby born and actually a sleeper (hallelujah!) I sat down to write a book that wouldn’t’ leave my head. It took me four years to finish it, but I was determined to finish it.
There was a lot that went into those four years. First, I had to start acting like a writer. It just grabbed me one day, this idea that I needed to call out what I wanted to be. My husband had said that so many times, but it isn’t easy to call yourself something that no one sees the fruit of. At least I found it hard. I found it hard to suddenly tell my friends that I didn’t want to hang out and wanted to put in boundaries to the hours that I was able to be around. I tried to place boundaries around the hours I was going to work while at home and it just didn’t fall into place very well. While I had two in school, I had a baby at home. My last year in France my baby had the opportunity to go to daycare for a few hours a day a few times a week, so I would do that and go to write during that time. I have to admit that I spent a lot of time in my life lamenting the lack of time. I have never had that much time to do the things that I wish to do. I’m first and foremost a mother and wife and keeper of the house, so the few hours that I am home with no kids and no activities to take them to are few. During those last months in France they were even fewer. But I used them as best I could.
IN 2015 we moved to the States and I found someone to edit my book. She told me to delete half of it.
Devastating doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. Still, I set to work.
(Let me also pause here and admit hat i needed counseling. I think this is important to note because sometimes we have a block in us that we can’t get through on our own. It’s okay to need some counseling or therapy. I needed it for something in my past to help me grip the woman I was in the present and start being proud of her again. I truly don’t think I would have found my confidence as quickly and therefore been able to move forward, without my year of therapy.)
My dream to be a world-renowned writer was a young dream in the sense that it was focused more on money and fame and infamy than anything else. Sure, some people make it. probably people with more confidence than I had, possibly with connections or just divine interactions like in the case of JK Rawlings. And yes, I spent time lamenting these facts. Lamenting that I wanted to be at a different place by 30, 33, 35, 38.
Even if I were to achieve writing the novel of the year that would sweep across campuses and the greatest ‘coming of age’ story, I can see and understand now that my life would probably not change too much. While the kids who read the book might want to discuss it at the beer round tables, they wouldn’t want a woman close to forty sitting their with them. Infamy comes with death as everyone can sort of imagine who you would be if you were there right then, but it doesn’t come in life as I wished for it to come. That is where the dream diverges into wanting to make a difference.
Making a difference can sound the same as wanting fame and fortune. Since the world revolves around money, we all want and need money, right? But as I grew during the years of not getting anywhere in my dreams, I came to realize that making a difference is about being okay with the smallest difference being a win. I also realized that the more years of experience you have, the more you are able to give back. It’s great that some achieve things when they are young, but in the end, they still have a full life ahead of themselves to continue on it. To give back, to find a different dream to achieve, etc.
I published my first novel in November of 2017 after setting up my own publishing company. I Googled and researched and worked hard at figuring it out. Then I set forth to reading about being leader with the dream of making something bigger. I wrote another book, An Audience with the King, created an interactive journal, A New Way too Journal, and started a podcast in the fall of 2019. In 2020 I plan to publish my nonfiction and another novel while continuing to podcast and learn marketing.
More than anything else though, I found my true calling: helping others. As a creative coach I help others grab hold of that creative project, job, idea that has always been at the back of their heads. Maybe it’s lack of confidence, then I’m your cheerleader. Perhaps it’s lack of knowing where to start, I’m your guru. Whatever it is, from writing that book to starting a podcast to putting yourself online in order to be a health coach, I love helping people overcome their mindset setbacks, their mind or knowledge blocks and their lack of confidence that they can do this project and seeing them achieve it!
I believe your life is a story and you are meant to tell that story! There are so many ways to do it so let’s get started! Someone in the world is waiting to hear your story to be inspired to tell their own! The world needs you to grab hold of that creative idea and step out bravely, declaring you will do it. I will cheer you on all the way (as well as give practical help, because we all need that too!) and believe me when I say, that the day you start putting your creativity out into the world, is the day the world gets a little brighter!